So this thing happened where my alarm woke me up this morning and I rolled over and started crying. Yeah. Not an auspicious start to the day. I had my alarm set so that I could get up and go swimming. And instead all I could think about was that if I stayed in bed I could pretend I wasn’t so lonely. That didn’t work.
After 45 mins of laying there in despair, I got up and put some clothes on, washed the dishes, and ate some breakfast while filling out my “Thoughts and Feelings” worksheet. I like homework revolves around me feeling crappy. Once I was done that, I texted my mother and went back to lay on my bed, hugging my cats while I cried some more. Like I said, this day wasn’t shaping up great. My mum phoned and we talked for an hour and a half, all while I continued lying on the bed and crying intermittent tears. Finally, finally, I got up. And then I washed my face, popped a few Tic Tacs in my mouth, and grabbed my purse and keys. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew I had to get out of the apartment for a while.
I ended up at IKEA. And Michaels. And the dollar store. I didn’t buy much – a bedspread to use instead of the duvet for the summer, a dinosaur light-up key chain for Matt (this is his second keyRawrrrring; the first went for a short but sweet flight into the dumpster with the trash a few months ago), and some new paintbrushes. But it wasn’t the purchases that mattered – it was the destinations.
IKEA is pretty much on the other side of town from us – 16 km according to my odometer. I went there on purpose because I knew I would have to drive a good distance to get there and that I would feel proud of myself when I did. Which happened. I also went there with the intent of walking through the entire store no matter how long it took. Which also happened. And after doing both those things, I knew I would then have to drive carefully and attentively back home again. Which definitely happened. Now I feel more confident than I did this morning. I don’t feel helpless. I don’t feel like doing exercise – any form of exercise – is a chore. Yes, this probably wasn’t as good a workout as going for a swim would have been, but I’m pleasantly tired and for me, that’s a big factor; it means I didn’t overdo it and I didn’t underdo it. Tonight when I go to bed I know I’ll be waking up alone again, but it seems a little easier to bear. And hey, the YMCA isn’t going anywhere. Like my therapist told me at the very start, “If you have a bad day, just make sure you get up and try again tomorrow”.
In other news, I did make good use of the gorgeous weather this weekend, and went for a long walk on Saturday with my camera. We are getting to be great buddies, my camera and I. All the blossoms are just starting to bloom and the honeysuckle is now out and smelling extra sweet. I ended up over at the RAM at a picnic table where I did a little drawing and soaked up the sunshine. I also inadvertently ended up witnessing a wedding ceremony (whoops). It was pretty informal, but still. It was kind of like listening in on somebody having sex; it’s awkward and it brings up memories of when you did it. Anyway, I took quite a few photos while I was out and about, and I have a route planned for my next walk in the area to try and capture some of the amazing architectural variety of the neighbourhood.
I also watched a new (for me) Studio Ghibli movie, From Up On Poppy Hill. I liked it quite a bit, and that made me go digging around the interwebs to try and find some of their other, quirkier titles. It has a more grown-up feel to it which is refreshing coming from a film studio that Pixar/Disney have partnered with, and by the looks of things, I would say that some of the other ones I found have that too. If you are into Miyazaki and his work with Studio Ghibli, be sure to also check out The Ocean Waves and Only Yesterday. Like I said, they’re more adult than the others but still retain the amazing quality of art and cinema that they are known for.
And I guess that’s it for me. Yes, I had to get out of bed and experience today. And yes, I’ll get out of bed and experience tomorrow. That’s fully half the battle won right there.